Dear White Sox faithful,
It is your General Manager, Rick Hahn, here. I thought it prudent to write you a letter in wake of the many questions I’ve been receiving on up-and-coming superstar, Eloy Jiménez.
There’s been talk of “boxes” that I’d like to see Eloy check-off before he earns a promotion to our stellar big league club. I get that fans are becoming impatient, but rules are rules. To be completely honest, I don’t feel that I’m asking much of Eloy, and if anything, it’s on him that he’s not manning the G-Spot outfield at this point.
Many have asked what the boxes are, and I’m here to explain them to you. If he can accomplish these simple tasks, he’ll be up in the big leagues. Easy as that.
Box 1: Develop Better Jump-shot Than Any Of The Charlotte Knights’ Blood Relatives
Right from the jump, this was my number one criteria just due to its simplicity. Seriously, these guys are baseball players. It’s in their blood and it’s in their relatives’ blood. How many of those guys have family who shoot a basketball well? It just wouldn’t make sense; good baseball lineage doesn’t translate to basketball skill. They’re two completely different sports.
YET…I’m still getting reports that Eloy has not checked this box. Coaches in Charlotte beg me every day to listen to the name of the person with a better jump-shot, but I’m not a big excuse guy. For god’s sake, basketball was “your first love.”
You call if your first love, yet I’m hearing another Knight’s outfielder’s kin can out-shoot you? Might as well buy a house in Charlotte.
Box 2: Solve Chicago’s Gun Problem
As the White Sox head honcho, I hold our players to a high standard when it comes to community service. I love everything about this city, but one thing I don’t love is the problem we’re dealing with on the South Side. No, I’m not talking about Brett Lawrie still showing up to the ballpark every game-day and asking if he’s starting. I’m talking about GUNS.
Due to guns, young men and women are dying at a rate much higher than any other major U.S. city. All I’ve asked of Eloy is that he check out the situation and come up with a feasible solution which lowers the number of injuries and deaths per year.
You want to be a member of the White Sox, Eloy? Show that you care about the community.
Box 3: Find Who Started The Great Chicago Fire And Bring Them To Justice
Look, I was born and raised in the Chicago area. One day back in second grade we learned about the Great Chicago Fire. I don’t buy the O’Leary horse shit and I want a straight answer as to who committed this horrendous mistake.
Eloy is a bright young man and I know he will figure this out in a no time. At that point, he will be one step closer to being a member of the White Sox.
Those are my three major boxes for Jiménez to check off. Is there any baseball criteria? Of course there is, I’m not an idiot. He needs to achieve a slash line of .400/.500/.600.
See? I’m not asking that much, so please stop tweeting at me. It’s up to Eloy to get the job done. Please direct all complaints from this point forward to @Lamantha21.
Your fearless leader,