Bud Light has announced their latest sports-driven promotion. The company strategically placed refrigerators armed with smart technology (and obviously Bud Light) all around Cleveland that will open immediately after the Browns (hopefully) lock up their first regular season victory since Christmas Eve, 2015.
*Playfully dramatic sitcom narrator voice* “What could possibly go wrong?!”
Well Mr. Narrator, do you know of Satan’s roller coaster from hell that is a typical Cleveland Browns season? So let’s be honest, it isn’t entirely clear where or when this promo will go off the tracks. But this is the Browns, so more likely than not, the worst possible outcome will undoubtedly evolve into reality.
Here is a Simpsons-esque prediction of what will ensue if the Browns once again fail to win a game.
Week 1 goes by with a loss…no big deal. It stinks, but hey, the fans are used to losing and the beers will still be cold next week.
Week 2 comes and goes…still no win? Open up the flood gates for an infinite supply painfully lame jokes that are sure to leave your socks securely fastened.
“Maybe they should’ve locked up all the beer while Johnny Manziel was a Brown,” will undeniably be tweeted by 700 different people who all claim it was their original idea (spoiler alert: it wasn’t).
“If only the Browns’ defense could lock up as well as those fridges!” exclaimed every corny ESPN football “analyst.”
“I don’t know what’s worse – the Browns’ play or the bubbly piss water that is Bud Light,” muttered the IPA hardo.
There is definitely a joke built on the back of Cleveland’s blue collared industries and the fact that they can’t get inside a fridge, I just don’t have the comedic chops to piece it together.
If the first few weeks of the season go by and the Browns are unable to squeak one out, internet commenters will form an orderly single file line and hop on the troller coaster. By the end of the season Bud Light may single-handedly be responsible for hundreds of thousands of memes, and if I know the internet, Baker Mayfield’s face on the Mr. Krabs spinning meme, surrounded by a spiral of Bud Light cans and L’s will certainly be a smash hit.
But that’s after just a few weeks.
Picture this: Week 17 rolls around and the final whistle blows, mercifully ending the Browns’ final game of the season. The boys in burnt orange have clinched another defeated season and memes are still the least of Bud Light and Cleveland’s problems. Envision a stereotypical apocalyptic wasteland, but riddled with inebriated marksmen slinging 12 ounce bubbly blue grenades all across the city. So basically just Cleveland, but 17 weeks of losses worth of internet jokes and Bud Light blue balls angrier.
I would be remiss not to give the Dawg Pound its credit, they are as dedicated a fan base as there is, despite having nearly zero tangible reason to be. My lowly fandom has left me painfully aware of despair’s tendency to stalk fans that desperately love a troubled franchise. Unfortunately, this level of heart-wrenching, unrequited love can break a man and I fear that is exactly what will happen when Bud Light places all of Cleveland into promotional purgatory.